The Decision to Do a PhD — Not Because I Was Ready, But Because I Was Scared
The December 2020 student seminar was over. I could finally breathe.
But before I could even enjoy that relief, my supervisor asked me something completely out of nowhere:
“Do you want to continue to the doctoral program?”
A question that arrived at the worst possible moment.
The Plan vs. The Reality
Honestly, I had always planned to pursue a PhD — it was in my mind even before I left for Japan.
But after months of exhausting research — failed experiments, unconvincing data, the pressure of the seminar — I had started to doubt myself. I wanted to pause. To think clearly.
Do I actually want to continue? Or do I just feel like I have to?
When I told my supervisor I wanted to think it over, his response caught me off guard:
“If you don’t continue to the doctoral program, the renewal of your contract for next year will be reconsidered.”
Shocked — and Scared
I had no idea until that moment that intention to pursue a PhD could affect the NIMS-GRA contract. My supervisor explained that the NIMS-GRA program is specifically designed to attract students who intend to continue to doctoral level — not just through to a Master’s.
Hearing that, I was genuinely shocked. And scared.
What if my contract wasn’t renewed? I still wanted to stay and study in Japan. I wasn’t ready to go home.
So — despite still being uncertain — I said yes. I would continue to the PhD.
Not because I felt ready. Because fear was louder than doubt.
A Holiday That Didn’t Feel Like One
My year-end break — from late December 2020 to early January 2021 — should have been a proper rest after the seminar.
Instead, my brain wouldn’t stop.
The same question kept cycling: how do I make sure I can stay?
I even briefly thought about working part-time if the contract wasn’t renewed. But that was clearly unrealistic — doing serious research alongside part-time work would drain both time and energy completely.
That period was genuinely one of the hardest stretches I experienced during my time in Japan. Not just physically tired — mentally exhausted. I felt like I’d lost direction.
What I Found Out Later
Some time afterward, I came to understand that the conversation with my supervisor may not have been as directly tied to my contract situation as I understood it to be in that moment.
But at the time, I didn’t have the clarity or the information to process it that way. Anxiety filled in all the gaps.
For Anyone at the Same Crossroads
If you’re currently weighing whether to continue to a PhD after your Master’s — and you’re confused, scared, or burned out — you’re not alone.
Big decisions have a way of arriving when you’re least ready for them.
What I learned from this:
- Exhaustion is normal — long-term research is draining; that doesn’t mean you’re the wrong fit for it
- Doubt isn’t the same as wrong choice — nearly everyone who finishes a PhD questioned their decision somewhere in the middle
- Get as much information as possible before deciding — don’t let anxiety make the call that should be made with a clear head
Looking back now, I’m glad I continued. I finished the doctoral program on time — despite how difficult the path was.
And if I could get through that, I’m confident that whatever comes next, there’s always a way through.