After finishing the student seminar in December 2020 — as I shared on the previous page — I finally felt like I could breathe. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But before I even had the chance to enjoy that relief, my supervisor suddenly asked,

“Do you want to continue to the doctoral program?”

The question came so unexpectedly that I froze. Honestly, since the beginning of my master’s program, I did plan to continue to the PhD. But after months of exhausting research, doubt started creeping in. I wanted to pause, think things through. Did I truly want this? Or did I just feel like I was supposed to?

When I told him I needed some time to consider, he immediately replied that if I chose not to continue to the doctoral program, then the renewal of my research contract for the following year would be reconsidered. He explained that the NIMS-GRA program admits master’s students with the expectation that they will continue to the doctoral level.

Hearing that shocked me. I never knew that my intention to continue studying could affect my contract. Fear instantly took over — what if they didn’t renew it? I still wanted to live and study in Japan. So, even though I was unsure, I decided to continue to the doctoral program.

Later on, I learned that the conversation wasn’t entirely about the contract. But at that moment, I didn’t have many options. My fear outweighed my hesitation.

And so, my New Year’s break — from late December 2020 to early January 2021 — felt heavy. My mind, which was supposed to rest after the student seminar, kept running nonstop, trying to figure out how I could survive. I even considered doing part-time work if my contract wasn’t renewed, but that clearly wasn’t realistic. Doing research while working part-time would drain both my time and energy.

To be honest, I was utterly exhausted at that time — not just physically, but mentally. I felt like I had lost my sense of direction.

✨ A little reflection

Looking back now, I can smile. Sometimes, the biggest decisions come when we’re at our most tired.

I’m grateful that I managed to finish my doctoral program on time, even though the journey was filled with pressure. From that experience, I learned that every difficult process leaves behind something valuable. Now that I’ve gotten through it, I no longer feel the same fear toward new challenges. Because if I could make it through that doctoral journey, I’m confident that whatever comes next — there will always be a way to navigate it.